Swine Flu Detainee

Noted entertainer Miss Piggy has been refused reentry into the United States as she attempted to return from a two week tour of nightclubs in Mexico City and Guadalajara. Following a deadly outbreak of swine flu in Mexico, border officers are under strict orders to turn away any boars or hogs coming over from the South without exception.

Public health concerns aside, the former Muppet Show star is furious. Through her spokesperson, she issued a formal complaint against the United States Border Patrol on Saturday, noting that beloved film actor Babe had been allowed to cross just the day before after a week-long bender in Tijuana. Fearing a public relations debacle, officials on both sides of the Rio Grande clarified that the order had not come down until shortly before Piggy's arrival. The explanation came with a personal note from Mexican President Felipe Calderon's asking her forgiveness for her continued treatment and to remind her that his proposal of marriage is still on the table.

According to some reports, border agents allowed her long-time boyfriend, a green bug-eyed frog, to cross into the United States, leaving Piggy abandoned at the roadside checkpoint as the lanky amphibian rode off on a remarkably realistic-looking bicycle. The incident, she says, is her most humiliating experience since losing the "best actress" Oscar to Sally Field in 1979.

Piggy will here remain in this holding facility until blood tests prove that she is not infected with, nor a carrier for, swine flu- a process that could take a couple of days or, considering the relative speed of the federal government, a couple of weeks. In the meantime, Piggy has asked her friend Janice and guest star Willie Nelson to water her plants until she gets back.

Piggy's AWOL boyfriend could not be reached for comment.

Sam the Eagle, a regular contributor to Fox News, tore into his former co-worker on the Sean Hannity program. When to comment on Piggy's confinement, Eagle doubted Piggy's patriotism, openly wondering what was she doing in Mexico in the first place when there are perfectly good nightclub venues right here in the U S of A. He went on to argue that, with more than a dozen assault charges on her record resulting from her notorious temper, Piggy should not be allowed to return even after she is medically cleared to do so.

"First they took our jobs," huffed Eagle. "Now with the help of lefty pinkos like Miss Piggy, they're exporting our diseases to Mexico, too! And Obama's CDC is just standing aside and letting it happen!"