Saturday, May 16, 2009

Purina Diet

Trip to Wal-Mart

>Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The New Draft

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head..

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!!
You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, getting laid off etc.

I called Lifeline

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Learn German

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:
"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband..."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Swine Flu Detainee

Noted entertainer Miss Piggy has been refused reentry into the United States as she attempted to return from a two week tour of nightclubs in Mexico City and Guadalajara. Following a deadly outbreak of swine flu in Mexico, border officers are under strict orders to turn away any boars or hogs coming over from the South without exception.

Public health concerns aside, the former Muppet Show star is furious. Through her spokesperson, she issued a formal complaint against the United States Border Patrol on Saturday, noting that beloved film actor Babe had been allowed to cross just the day before after a week-long bender in Tijuana. Fearing a public relations debacle, officials on both sides of the Rio Grande clarified that the order had not come down until shortly before Piggy's arrival. The explanation came with a personal note from Mexican President Felipe Calderon's asking her forgiveness for her continued treatment and to remind her that his proposal of marriage is still on the table.

According to some reports, border agents allowed her long-time boyfriend, a green bug-eyed frog, to cross into the United States, leaving Piggy abandoned at the roadside checkpoint as the lanky amphibian rode off on a remarkably realistic-looking bicycle. The incident, she says, is her most humiliating experience since losing the "best actress" Oscar to Sally Field in 1979.

Piggy will here remain in this holding facility until blood tests prove that she is not infected with, nor a carrier for, swine flu- a process that could take a couple of days or, considering the relative speed of the federal government, a couple of weeks. In the meantime, Piggy has asked her friend Janice and guest star Willie Nelson to water her plants until she gets back.

Piggy's AWOL boyfriend could not be reached for comment.

Sam the Eagle, a regular contributor to Fox News, tore into his former co-worker on the Sean Hannity program. When to comment on Piggy's confinement, Eagle doubted Piggy's patriotism, openly wondering what was she doing in Mexico in the first place when there are perfectly good nightclub venues right here in the U S of A. He went on to argue that, with more than a dozen assault charges on her record resulting from her notorious temper, Piggy should not be allowed to return even after she is medically cleared to do so.

"First they took our jobs," huffed Eagle. "Now with the help of lefty pinkos like Miss Piggy, they're exporting our diseases to Mexico, too! And Obama's CDC is just standing aside and letting it happen!"

Friday, May 1, 2009

Really Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.?

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."?

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"? and she proceeded to close the door.?

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."?

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.? "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."?

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."