Are You a Redneck

You know you might be a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.??


2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.??


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.


20.. You can spit without opening your mouth.???


21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.


22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.


24.. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.


30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

FINALLY, OVERALLS THAT FIT!‏

Just ask for the ' ALABAMA ' CUT'

Irish Levity‏

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.


Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'


'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.





*********************************************************


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'



**********************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'

'Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'



**************************************************************


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...' '





**************************************************************



AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

New Alphabet for Seniors

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now
The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H . high blood pressure--I' d rather it low;
I . for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, N OW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Spanish Words of the Day‏

You need to read these out loud (#11 just kills me!):

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.



2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.



3. *Shoulder*

My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.



4. * Texas *

My fren always Texas me when I ' m not home wondering where I'm at!



5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.



6. *July*

Ju told me ju we're going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!



7. *Rectum*

I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!



8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.



9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair



10. *Chicken* *wing*

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.



11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.



12. *Bishop*

My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.



13. *Body wash

*I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

Subject: OH!!! This would be so funny if it weren't SO true!!!!!!!!

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
>
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Airplane Name Change

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency information, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.'

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'
>
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the Captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'


'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member. 'We no longer call it 'The Cockpit'. It's the 'Box Office.''

Winter Blonde and the Snowplow

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
>

More Ways to Annoy People

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories

Be Careful

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money. If she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child >support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.

'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said.. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'

Recession and Retirement Yield Higher Floor Traffic For Wal-Mart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my wife is like most women --- she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Hill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against Mr. Hill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' by using different sizes of funnels

13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

and last, but not least

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!

You Know You are Living In 2009 When!

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.

HUSBAND DOWN

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar offace cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down"

2009 DETROIT LIONS SCHEDULE

2009 DETROIT LIONS
FOOTBALL SCHEDULE

September
13................Taft Junior High School
20................Cub Scout Troop #101
27................Detroit Blind Academy
October
04.................Spanish American War Vets
11................Crippled Children's Home
18................Eloise Mental Hospital
25.................Girl Scout Troop # 353
November
01..................Michigan Venereal Disease Clinic
08.................Fraser Boys Choir
15.................Korean Amputees
22.................National Hospital Pastorial Ministers
29.................Great Lakes Sychronized SwimmingTeam
MONDAY NIGHT
December 07..................Grand Rapids Gay Boys Club

RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - When playing polio patients, the Lions must not disconnect knee braces.

2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Lions must not hide the football
under their jerseys.

RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line.)
For all you Lions fans that have never seen this) it is >>> still worth 6 points.

2 - The Lions will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.

3 - The Lions will be allowed to substitute with band members at
anytime.

4 - The Lions will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the
opposing team.

5 - The Lions will be awarded a first down with each gain of three
yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** NAME CHANGE **
The Detroit Lions will be changed to the "Detroit Tampons" as they
are only good for one period and have no second string.

The Blond Cookbook

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Winter Blonde

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...



"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in WISCONSIN and I'm driving the SANDER!"

Winter in Wisconsin

It's winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Wisconsin
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Wisconsin
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

My Job as Wal-Mart Greeter

As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......


About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning , and welcome to Wal-Mart .. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'



The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'



So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'



My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......