Purina Diet

Trip to Wal-Mart

>Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore

Recession and Retirement Yield Higher Floor Traffic For Wal-Mart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my wife is like most women --- she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Hill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against Mr. Hill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' by using different sizes of funnels

13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

and last, but not least

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!

HUSBAND DOWN

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar offace cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down"

My Job as Wal-Mart Greeter

As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......


About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning , and welcome to Wal-Mart .. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'



The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'



So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'



My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......

Wal-Mart Announces House Brand Wine

Wal-Mart announced today that they’ll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is strong market demand for cheap wine“, said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart’s marketing division. “However,” she added “Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty.”
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:

• Chateau Traileur Parc
• White Trashfindel
• Peanut Noir
• I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
• Grape Expectations
• Nasti Spumante
• Big Red Gulp
• World Championship Riesling
• NASCARbernet
• Chef Boyardeaux

Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart’s self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next never.