Posts
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...
Friday, April 24, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
A Very Loving Wife
Loving Wife
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the hhomeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain....do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. If he gets what he wants, we might stay alive. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the hhomeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain....do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. If he gets what he wants, we might stay alive. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Friday, April 17, 2009
BOTTLE OF WINE
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....
Living Will
This may be the best Living Will I've Seen
I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.�
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.�
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate.
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.�
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.�
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate.
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
Grampa Talk Like a Frog
A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "Grandpa, please talk like a frog." Grandpa replied, "What? I'm not going to talk like a frog!"
The little boy again asked, "Come on, Grandpa. Talk like a frog, please." Grandpa again said, "No! Go bother your grandmother." The little boy finally gave up and left.
A little while later, the little boy's sister came in and said, "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?" Grandpa, of course, replied, "NO!"
The little girl then begged, "Please, Grandpa will you talk just like a frog?"
Grandpa was very disturbed by now and asked, "What is it with you and your brother? Why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"
The little girl looked at her Grandpa and said, "Well, last night daddy told us that when you croak, we're going to go to Disney World."
The little boy again asked, "Come on, Grandpa. Talk like a frog, please." Grandpa again said, "No! Go bother your grandmother." The little boy finally gave up and left.
A little while later, the little boy's sister came in and said, "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?" Grandpa, of course, replied, "NO!"
The little girl then begged, "Please, Grandpa will you talk just like a frog?"
Grandpa was very disturbed by now and asked, "What is it with you and your brother? Why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"
The little girl looked at her Grandpa and said, "Well, last night daddy told us that when you croak, we're going to go to Disney World."
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Awesome Anagrams
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LETS RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LETS RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Firefighter
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and agarden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. He noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. He noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
BLONDE ON HORSEBACK
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had neither lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great good fortune...
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say hello!
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great good fortune...
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say hello!
Medical Feats
An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"
The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work on 4 weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well" he said "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Total loser out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work on 4 weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well" he said "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Total loser out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
Woman's Yearly Exam
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. The bitch.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. The bitch.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Retirement Home
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.
'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP!'
'Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!'
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.
'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP!'
'Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!'
Pets
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
- (1) They live here. You don't.
- (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
- (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
- (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
- (1) eat less,
- (2) don't ask for money all the time,
- (3) are easier to train,
- (4) normally come when called,
- (5) never ask to drive the car,
- (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
- (7) don't smoke or drink,
- (8) don't want to wear your clothes,
- (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
- (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
- (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..
A Little Farm Hummor
Old Iowa Farmer went to town to see a movie:?
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.? "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.? "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)