Sipping Vodka‏ in Church

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on
the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat
it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Two Priests on Vacation‏

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation

by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests??

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,

'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied


'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

AINT THAT THE TRUTH TOO. LOL : The Pastor's Ass‏

A little humor with a good moral.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:


PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:


BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

Thee local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

Moral of the story is .. . .. being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!