Irish coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
advice in reviving her husband's libido.

What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a
problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as ya' told me and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It
was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freackin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in STARBUCKS again!'

Irish Levity‏

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.


Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'


'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.





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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'



**********************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'

'Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'



**************************************************************


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...' '





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AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'