Thursday, July 31, 2008

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo

Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astro nomica lly

Speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions Of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it Appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent. '

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Wal-Mart Announces House Brand Wine

Wal-Mart announced today that they’ll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is strong market demand for cheap wine“, said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart’s marketing division. “However,” she added “Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty.”
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:

• Chateau Traileur Parc
• White Trashfindel
• Peanut Noir
• I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
• Grape Expectations
• Nasti Spumante
• Big Red Gulp
• World Championship Riesling
• NASCARbernet
• Chef Boyardeaux

Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart’s self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next never.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

How the blonde got out of work early

For several weeks my boss had myself and my blonde assistant working non stop, day and night.

No matter how much I begged and pleaded he would not give in to my requests for a few days off.

So I came up with a plan to make him think I was going crazy. I got to the office first the next morning. I stood on my desk, and hung myself upside down from a ceiling fixture.

Shortly after my blonde assistant came in and asked what I was doing. I explained to her that I wanted the boss to think I was crazy, and that I thought I was a light bulb. So he would give me some time off.

About tem minutes later the boss arrived and asked what I was doing hanging from the ceiling. I exclaimed I'm a light bulb. He quickly told me I had been working too hard and to take a few days off.

As I was climbing down, my blonde assistant started packing up her things. My boss looked at her and asked "where are you going?"

To which she replied, "I can't work in the dark!"

WalMart Scam‏

Click on picture to enlarge enough to read.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Two cats

A client recently brought her two cats to her veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. "They weigh about the same," I told her.

"That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat."

A reasonable description

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,...... kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough.

But by the way, what kind of animal are you?' The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,

You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN.'

Build it and They will come‏

Since; this family lived on the outskirts of Anchorage, they
decided to build a sturdy, colorful playground for their 3 and 4 year
old sons.

They lined the bottom with smooth-stone gravel all around to avoid
knee scrapes and other injuries.

They finished building it one Friday evening and were very pleased
with the end product.

The following morning, the mom was about to wake up the boys and
have them go out to play on their new equipment. This is what she saw
from the upstairs window:


New curtains

A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains.
She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What
room are they for?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new
computer monitor.

The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows.......

Subject: Medicare

Would be funny if it were not so true!!!

My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home.

Two months later our dog, Bo, also had prostate surgery.

When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time
I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would remain overnight.

"Overnight?" I said.

"My father-in-law came home the same day."

The vet looked at me and said, "Bo's not on Medicare!"