Thursday, August 27, 2009

Sign of the Times

The Top Twelve Indicators that the Economy is Bad

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is now featuring the 1/4 ouncer burgers.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all is.-----

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Dollar Bill

Due to the country's current economic condition, the Treasury has issued a new one dollar bill.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Smart Blond

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and
she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this...

Yep. I know you will...


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

First Day of School

It was the first day of school in the USA for a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian who entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from t he Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed... Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded..

Chandrasekhar's hand shot up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Chandrasekhar answers, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"


Monday, August 17, 2009

Would you remarry

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks
the question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times..'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed..'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' . . . shit.'

Saturday, August 15, 2009


Over five thousand years ago,

Moses said to the children of Israel, " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".
Nearly 75 years ago,

Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".


Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.