Cars and Computers

Bill Gates is hanging out with the CEO of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure,” says the General Motors CEO. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?!!"

John and the Parrot

John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....



........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'

Top 5 things to say if caught sleeping at your desk:

5. The blood bank mentioned this might happen.
4. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
3. Unbelievable; I thought that cold medicine said DAYTIME!
2. Whew! Guess I left the top off that liquid paper.

AND THE #1 THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:


“Amen.”

Walmart Returns

A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,

'Ma'am, why are you saying that ?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

The Polite Way To Ask To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, just a minute, I have to go pee. The teacher responded by saying, that would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it? Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.

That's better, said the teacher, but, it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the dinner table

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

The teacher fainted...

BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed the young nurse replies 'I don't know Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that she may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful but listen very, very closely......


Are - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

THE BLONDE AND FOOTBALL

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 freaking cents!!!!!!

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

'Did you dance much ?'

'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....'

You know you have grown up in Wisconsin when:

* You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

* You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

* You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar
hopping between the reception and wedding dance.

* You know the difference between 'Green* and *Red* farm machinery,
and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was
better!

* You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm,TSC, or Farm and Fleet

* You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.

* You hear someone use the word 'oof-dah* and you don*t break into
uncontrollable laughter..

* You or someone you know was a *Dairy Princess* at the county fair.

* You know that *combine* is a noun.

* You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a
steel post in the middle of winter.

* You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

* You know that *creek* rhymes with *pick*.

* Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into
consideration before wedding dates are set.

* A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your
girlfriend shining for deer..

* Saturday you go to your local bowling alley.

* There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to
help milk cows in the morning. And/or smelled like it.

* You have driven your car on the lake.

* You can make sense of *upnort* and *youse guys*.

* Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and
the chicken dance.

* Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

* The local gas station sells live bait..

* At least twice a year some part of your home doubled as a meat
processing plant.

* You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

* You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all
of your Wisconsin friends

11 People on a Rope

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE


Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter...10 men and 1 woman.


The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.


They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.


She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.


As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . . . .